A moment. We all have it. But may not admit it. I had a "moment" a few months ago. It lasted about 3 days - then passed. You know those moments where things aren't exactly what you expected.
When I got the job in the ER I was ecstatic. It was my dream job! After about 3 weeks I realized it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. It was busy, horrible hours, decrease in pay, etc. But the job itself was amazing. I loved the actual job. I'm so glad I stuck with it because I really couldn't see myself working in any other area. I'm an ER nurse and always will be.
Before we decided to go the gestational carrier route I never anticipated any negative feelings AT ALL. All my focus was on having a baby in my arms. A piece of me and Curtis. If you would have asked me prior to implantation I wouldn't have been able to say one negative thing about it. Jamie is great. The absolute perfect person for the job. I trust her with everything and anything. I knew she would take care of my babies during the process just as I would. Then a moment came. A moment where I felt...guilty I guess. Guilty that I couldn't carry these babies on my own. Guilty that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. Guilty that someone else has to be uncomfortable for me. Sad that I couldn't feel my babies move. Sad that I couldn't talk to my babies or read them stories at night. These feelings came out of nowhere! I felt so disconnected. I couldn't believe I was having these feelings. I'm sure Jamie has had a moment. She's probably thinking - THREE babies? I only signed up for ONE. A c-section? What the heck? My stomach gets how big?
I had to take a step back and focus on the 99% good rather than the 1% downside. I was going to be a mom - FINALLY! I get to go to the gym and continue working during this pregnancy. I knew that using a gestational carrier meant that I was not going to experience certain things - but in the end I was going to be a mom - and that is ALL that matters. The moment came and went completely. There are too many positive things to focus on that I can't believe a moment even happened. We are going to have THREE babies in a few weeks! Three freakin' babies. A family. I can't wait. I am SO thankful for Jamie and all the sacrifices she's making for us. I pray that this last month goes smoothly for her.
1 comment:
I totally get it. Surrogacy isn't ideal. It's just the way you were able to get those babies here! Adoption isn't ideal either. Infertility is a trial that can be overcome, but not without sacrifices. I have to remember that when that "moment" comes and goes. I'm glad your moment came and went. :) I'm so excited for you!
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